


scheming

by Cynder713



Category: Peep Show
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Getting Together, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-04-23 08:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19147057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cynder713/pseuds/Cynder713
Summary: "So will you do it?""Jeremy, I think you might have skipped over some important details here. You still haven’t created a link between your ex being at some frankly awful sounding party and us pretending to be an” - he scowled around the word - “item. Please just skip to the part of the story where this all makes sense.""I don't know what else you want from me! She’s terrible, I'm not going to be able to avoid seeing her at this party, I need to make her think she turned me gay, to do that I need a boyfriend, it's cut and fucking dry, Mark."





	scheming

The documentary continued its relentless assault on Mark's eyes and ears and brain. God, no wonder most people had no appreciation for history, it was a testament to the strength of his character that Mark was able to slog through all - he checked the back of the DVD box set - Jesus christ! Thirty-five hours of excruciating biographical detail, who the fuck wanted to know that much about Konrad Adenauer, did this thing record every bowel movement the man ever made? Screw Everest, this was an achievement worth talking about. Mark wondered if there was Guinness world record for being the first person to finish what was possibly the least interesting documentary series put to film. He'd die of shock to see Jeremy display such resolve and willpower in, well, any aspect of his life.

The freeloader in question was doing his best to get Mark's attention without actually looking like he was trying to get his attention. He was like a cat, desperate for affection but too proud to just come out and ask for it. Of course, Mark would mock him relentlessly for showing such weakness, but the bastard deserved it at this point.

The 'subtle' efforts got to the point Mark thought Jez might side eye him so hard his eye would actually pop out, so Mark decided to be the bigger man. After all, how would Jez ever get a good old fashioned British rent-paying job if he passive-aggressed himself into blindness.

“I've not been oblivious to your painfully obvious attempts at getting my attention, Jez, so spit it out.”

Jez made a big show of looking around for the source of the voice. “Oh, Mark, didn't see you there. But now that you mention it, there is something I've been meaning to ask you about.”

God, he was such a child, Mark shared his home with a child.

"No actually, you know what, I've decided I don't want to hear it."

Jeremy screwed up his face. “What?”

Mark fumbled with the Megatron for a minute, eventually managing to turn on the subtitles - christ that was a lot of umlauts - and stuffed his fingers in his ears.

"Mark you're not serious."

Mark would've loved to reply with just how serious he was, but unfortunately he wasn't able to hear anything Jeremy said.

"Is this some new negotiating technique you've been reading up about? I think you might've gotten it the wrong way around you know; the person being a stubborn twat and refusing to listen isn't the protagonist of that scenario."

Mark hmm'ed with interest as he read about Adenauer's decision to pursue a career in politics. What a pity he was missing out on the presumably excellent sound editing of the documentary, but one had to concede certain battles in order to dominate a larger conflict.

"OK fine! Yes Mark I've been trying to get your attention so I can ask you the thing I was just about to ask you! There, I've admitted it, so do you want to know what it is or not?"

"I'll accept your apology Jeremy,” Mark said in as dignified a manner as possible while wiping earwax onto his trousers, “and if it's that important to you that I hear you out, well, now's your chance."

Jez snorted. “Oh please, as if the curiosity isn't killing you.”

If he didn't just come out and say it already Mark was gonna go over there and give him an actual excuse for not talking.

Choke him, he was gonna choke him.

Jez must’ve been able to read some of that on Mark’s face, because after a small look of fear - and Mark wasn’t going to examine too closely the feelings that evoked in him - flashed across his face, he finally relented.

"I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend."

Oh. Well. That was entirely removed from anything he’d been expecting.

"Why on earth would you want me to do that?"

Jez, back on the avoiding eye contact train, fiddled with the arm of the couch as he answered.

"Well, you see, ok, so, it's kind of embarrassing."

"I’m not arguing with that mate."

"So the thing is- you remember Meredith?"

"Your girlfriend from Darty?"

"Yeah, although I more remember her as the evil bitch that tried to ruin my life through compulsory bikram yoga sessions and emotional manipulation."

It was telling that he put the yoga first.

"Anyway, she’s a dick, we all know this, but I've been invited to this get-together, god that makes it sound very middle class doesn’t it, it's more of a bash with a bunch of my old crew from the start of my music career-"

"I don’t think you’re really qualified to use the word career in this context."

“- and I've got an inside tip that she’s going to be there.”

Jez looked up again, apparently awaiting a response.

"Right. I'm with you so far."

"So will you do it?"

"Jeremy, I think you might have skipped over some important details here."

"What’s the problem?"

"You still haven’t created a link between your ex being at some frankly awful sounding party and us pretending to be an” - he scowled around the word - “ _item_.”

He was reassured somewhat when Jez mirrored his visual disgust at the term.

"Jesus, do you have to use language like that?"

"Please just skip to the part of the story where this all makes sense."

"I don't know what else you want from me! She’s terrible, I'm not going to be able to avoid seeing her at this party, I need to make her think she turned me gay, to do that I need a boyfriend, it's cut and fucking dry, Mark."

Mark blinked a few times.

"I think we may have stumbled across something there."

"What are you on about?"

"You wanting to make her think she turned you gay?"

"Oh that?"

"Yes, that, Jeremy, you don’t think that’s significant?"

"Not really, no."

Mark looked longingly over at the tv for a moment. And to think, he could've been eyeballs deep in Adenauer by now if he'd just left well enough alone.

"So let's put aside the fact that you already actually are gay."

"We’ve talked about this before, Mark, I don't do labels, I'm not a label guy."

"I've seen how you organise the fridge, Jez, I am perfectly aware of this. But you will concede my point that you have had actual boyfriends that you have had actual sex with and were in actual love with, yeah?"

Jez nodded with an air of magnanimity that was well above what the conversation deserved.

"So why do you need me for this deception?"

"Well following your own logic it isn't even a deception is it?"

Mark flailed around for a rebuttal. “I - i - it would be on my part!”

He took a long drink from the glass of water he had on the coffee table. Coffee was overrated, anyway, when had it ever cleared one’s throat for speaking as well as a good old glass of British tap water?

Jez waited for him to finish before answering. "Right well, yes. The thing is that she’s not gonna believe it if I don't bring a guy with me as my date."

Mark’s head was spinning. “This is all becoming a bit convoluted isn't it?

Cue a massive eye roll. “Oh please, more convoluted than breaking into Super Hans’ house to steal his snake and releasing it into a children’s ball pit? Or than paying someone to read a book for you so you can pretend you're an intellectual at the book club meeting you organised to get in someone’s pants? Or than fucking a client and having an affair with her boyfriend and then continuing to life coach her through the disintegration of her relationship?"

"First of all, yes, considering all of those things were thought up on the fly and very poorly executed, and, secondly, those are all things _you_ did."

"OK then, what about hacking into a coworker’s email account so you can read all the emails she writes about you so you can trick her into a relationship?"

"I wouldn’t call that convoluted so much as opportunistic-"

"Or inviting your ex-girlfriend and her husband to a dinner party on a night you know he won't be available and lying to her that all the other guests cancelled so you can have a date without it actually being a date?"

"I don’t- says the man who kidnapped Angus and held him hostage!"

"So we’ve both done bad things! Look,” Jez hastened to push the conversation forward. “I can’t just go up to her and tell her about all the dick I've been getting-"

"I would strongly advise you don't do that."

“-I need a visible, physical piece of evidence. This way I won't even have to talk to her about it, she can just see us from the other side of the room and we’ll let her draw her own conclusions!"

Aware that this would be seen as a concession, Mark nonetheless had to ask. “Why wouldn’t she just assume, _correctly_ I might add,” - he felt the need to stress - “that we’re friends?”

A grin crept over Jez's face.

"Aw, Mark, you called me your friend!"

"Don't let it go to your head."

"Don't worry I've already thought about that, that's easy; I'll introduce you as my boyfriend to anyone we talk to, so that should eventually make its way around to her, I'm gonna wear that mesh shirt Joe bought me to go clubbing in, maybe we’ll do some kissing, I’ll get some-"

"Kissing! You didn't say anything about kissing!” Mark blustered, struggling to keep his breathing normal, refusing to let on to Jeremy how agitated the thought made him. If he just focused on keeping a steady in and out then surely his face wouldn't go all red and splotchy and Jez would have no reason to suspect anything, which should be fine because there was nothing to suspect.

"Don't turn all prude on me now Mark."

Mark thanked all the non-existent gods that Jez’s life-coaching degree really was worth nothing more than the paper he’d gotten it printed on, and at a discount. “It’s not prudish to not want to lock lips with someone as part of an overly-circuitous grift."

Besides, what was wrong with prudishness? It was a proud English tradition that encouraged a healthy amount of shame in people, something severely lacking in this relationship as far as Mark was concerned. Well, at least on Jeremy's part.

"It's not like we've never done it before. And this won't even be as full on as the boat house, I swear, just some basic post-honeymoon-period pecks on the lips, maybe something lasting a bit longer if we know Meredith is looking, but nothing over the top!"

Mark wondered how it had even gotten to this point, then dropped his head into his hands as he came to the conclusion that it was his own damn fault for letting it.

"So is that a yes?"

He lifted his head up enough that the mumbled 'yes, alright then' was audible.

"Brilliant! This is gonna be great, you’ll see."

"Don't try to sugar-coat it."

"Oh come on Mark, it’ll be fun!"

"Lying to me at this point is just unnecessary. I’m helping you out of the goodness of my heart, Jeremy, don’t keep trying to sell me on it."

"You're gonna be such a good boyfriend."

 

* * *

 

In Mark’s opinion even the word party was a strong term to describe the loose gathering of, well he supposed they were technically people weren’t they, all squeezed into this tiny cottage in the middle of nowhere. They were definitely Jeremy’s lot, though, he had to give it that. He’d seen multiple scarves on multiple necks - as in, both multiple people wearing scarves and multiple people wearing multiple scarves on their necks - at least one beret and he’d heard the word 'influencer' used in conversation as they passed the threshold of the door. He gave the room a cursory once-over when they were properly in the depths of the ‘party’, then turned to Jez with his findings.

"God, there really is not a single person here I recognize."

Jeremy, who had insisted on walking him into the house with an arm firmly cemented around his waist, despite the outline of sweat it was currently encouraging to develop there, replied, “well that's a good thing isn't it? Just means you don't have to worry about impressing anyone."

Mark could not let this extreme misreading of social anxiety stand.

"Are you fucking joking Jeremy? This is much worse, now I'm going to have to introduce myself to every one of them. You just know they’re all going to ask what I do, what I'm into, why I'm here, and I'm not going to have a single answer that will impress anybody."

Jez, who was already rolling his eyes at the notion that anyone needed to be impressed, tried to placate him, which was really good for Mark’s ego.

"Well that's the brilliant thing about our scheme then, isn't it?"

"Don't call it a scheme, Jeremy, that gives it far too much credence."

"You don't have to say anything really past ‘I'm Jez's boyfriend’.”

"Yes, now I've been meaning to mention this, but do I really have to use that word?"

"Would you prefer partner?"

"We’re not cowboys."

"Significant other?"

"There is nothing at all significant about being your other."

Jez whispered right into his ear. “Lover?"

Mark suppressed his largely disgusted shudder and leaned back deliberately to look Jez in the eyes again. "Jesus Christ. OK fine, we’ll go with boyfriend."

"Besides, it's perfectly acceptable for you to just hang off my arm for the most part, in which case let me take care of the talking, you just stand there and look-"

"If you finish that sentence I'll walk right now."

"And how exactly do you expect to get home? You're gonna get a taxi, alone, in this neighbourhood?"

"So now you're holding me hostage here, how noble of you."

"I never claimed to be noble."

Mark had to give him that one. He didn't get a chance to say so, though, as inevitably one of the party goers - wearing just one scarf - spotted Jeremy and made her way over.

Jez tucked his nose into Mark’s hair for a moment so he could hurriedly whisper to him, “look, just remember you never have to see any of these people again, so it doesn't matter what you do here tonight. Just relax and have a good time!"

He leaned back just as the woman reached them and greeted her warmly.

Mark didn't really catch anything they said; he was stuck in an internal feedback loop, playing Jez’s words over in his head, and remembering and re-remembering the warmth of his breath on his neck, how his nose had tickled his hairline...

Jez was right, for once; he didn't know any of these people and he wouldn’t ever see them again, unless he got dragged into yet another of Jez’s cons, which he of course wouldn't, being an intelligent individual capable of saying no to people who really hadn't earned any favours. There was, at least compared to the rest of his miserable existence, no pressure here, not to ingratiate himself with anyone, or to prove anything, or to impress people. He could just be a normal guy at a party, hanging out, making idle chatter, kissing his boyfriend-

Ah. well. That was fine, wasn't it? Well of course it was fine, obviously, but for himself it was also fine, right? He was secure enough in his masculinity to go along with this one little lie. It was the reason Jeremy had brought him along, after all, and he had already agreed to it. So, yes, it would be terribly rude to balk at it now. He would relax and be a regular person at a social gathering, and if Jez initiated anything, well, all he'd have to do was play along. Simple.

Right, it was high time he tuned back in to the conversation he was technically a part of.

“-and yeah, I've just been drifting these past few months, you know, really taking the time to sit back and listen to my muse, make sure I get all my ideas and feelings in order before I actually start to write anything, it's a very important part of the process."

The woman nodded along. “Yeah, I totally get that. So, Mark, what’s your deal?”

God, his ‘deal’? Who talked like that?

"Oh, well, you know. I'm not some big time musician like, uh, this one, here,” he said, awkwardly jabbing Jez in the ribs with the elbow that was squeezed between them.

Jez smiled and wrapped his arm even tighter around his waist.

"Don't sell yourself short! Mark here is the only reason I have a roof over my head and food in the pantry most of the time!"

They all laughed, well Mark managed what could perhaps be called a chuckle. He was more preoccupied with staring at Jez. He didn't think Jez had ever acknowledged how dependent he was on Mark; Mark had daydreamed about it often enough, but more as a sort of grovelling, you'll-come-crawling-back sort of fantasy, where King Mark of Castle Flat could look down on the serf and reject him for such crimes. When Jez said it like that though… it was really nice. It made him feel appreciated, like he'd been doing something good instead of being taken advantage of. It was all a matter of perspective, he supposed, but if that was the way Jeremy saw it… It was nice.

The woman, whose name Mark had completely missed, drifted off to another conversational circle, leaving the two of them alone against the wall for the time being.

Jez turned to face him, looking somehow even perkier than before.

"See! I told you it'd be easy, you’re a natural Mark!"

Mark almost let out a smile but managed to force it down out of propriety. “I suppose this whole thing won't be quite as difficult as I’d feared."

"That's the spirit! Plus,” Jez looked over at the folding table in the corner, sagging heavily in the middle with an untenable amount of liquor bottles and mixers, “you get to enjoy the open bar!"

"I think it might be a bit charitable to call it an open _bar_."

"Oh now you're just looking for things to complain about. Come on, I'll go grab us something, what do you want?"

"A beer would be fine."

Jez rolled his eyes. “What part of 'nobody here knows you' are you forgetting? Order whatever you want, don't restrain yourself to disgusting tepid beer, let me get you a disgusting tepid cocktail!"

"Sure, nobody here knows me, except you. You think I'm going to give you that sort of ammunition?"

An air of solemnity overcame Jez momentarily, as he placed a hand over his heart and looked Mark directly in the eye.

"I hereby swear, that anything you may divulge to me or near me over the course of this evening, will not be held against you in any way in the future."

It was a good show, ruined somewhat by Jez holding his little finger out at the end of it.

"Official oaths do not end in pinky swears, Jeremy."

"Oh whatever, will you tell me what drink you want now?"

Mark sighed; there was no point resisting, either way he’d never hear the end of it, might as well get a nice drink out of it.

"OK fine, I'll get a” - _shit, quick, what's the name of a real cocktail?_ \- “Tom Collins.”

"Fantastic! Now, how do I make that?"

"Oh for fucks sake Jeremy, just forget it."

"OK, tell you what, I know the kind of sugary bullshit you like in your alcohol, how about I make something up for you? Maybe I'll find my calling as a bartender."

"I'm sure you will Jeremy.” God, he looked so excited at the prospect, Mark couldn't bring himself to say something cutting. "Just make sure it's got pineapple juice in it, then."

"Brilliant! I'll be right back.” And with that, Jeremy leaned in faster than Mark could react and kissed him on the mouth. It was nothing, really, in the grand scheme of things. By the time Mark had registered it happening Jez was already halfway across the room. A peck, and nothing more, it had been, really. Certainly nothing worth freezing up completely over. Mark made a studied effort to avoid touching his lips and tried his best to look like this was a normal occurrence and not something that had shaken his foundations.

More soul searching was probably in order, but there was no time for that now as another bescarfed patron of the party meandered into proximity. Still just the one scarf, mind, so Mark wasn't too worried yet.

“Hey, man, name’s Rich, nice to meet you.”

The guy, who had a sort of vaguely stoned but friendly air about him, offered a hand. Now that was something Mark could work with. He shook it firmly, using all three of the techniques he’d learned from Johnson about a good authoritative handshake.

"Nice to meet you. I’m Mark.” To avoid having to come up with answers for things right away he decided to take the offensive. “So what brings you here?”

The guy laughed, which could be a bad sign but he seemed like the sort of person who laughed at lots of things that weren't funny.

"My girlfriend’s” - he pointed across the room at a shorter blonde girl who was messing with the stereo -  “friends with like half the people here so, you know, I get to tag along when they have big events like this."

Mark nodded along agreeably, trying not to look too sarcastic at the idea of this being a big event.

"What about you?"

"Oh, yeah, I mean, same, really. I'm really only here cause of” - _don't stumble over the word boyfriend don't stumble over the word boyfriend_ \- “my boyfriend, so.”

"Hey, we can be second wheel buddies!"

Mark used all the social nouse available to him to not point out that that wasn't at all what the phrase meant, and simply laughed along at what was clearly meant to be a joke.

"Where is he?"

"Oh Jez? He went over to the bar-” where he was currently deep in conversation with a trio of what Mark only had the vocabulary to refer to as goths. “That's him over there talking to, uh, those three people wearing a lot of black."

"Oh yeah. So how long have you been together?"

Oh god, here we go, now the relationship questions start. Best to keep as close to the truth as possible.

"Well we went to uni together so we’ve known each other forever, but it wasn't until I got a place in Croydon that we started living together."

"Oh, wow, and you started dating after that?"

"Yep." This was just like doing improv!

It was a lot easier than he'd worried about, once he got into it. Since he and Jez had been so deep in each other's pockets for most of their adult lives anyway, it was really easy to just talk about things that were real and add a word or two of difference and hey presto, long term committed gay relationship. All he really had to worry about was omitting all the times they'd been obsessed over other people, which wasn't too difficult as he’d been doing that in polite conversation his whole life.

He let himself relax a few degrees more over the course of the conversation, which was also helped by asking a question or two about Rich’s ‘deal’, which prompted long ramblings about his life where very little input from Mark was necessary at all.

He was in the middle of rotating through his pre-prepared list of conversational affirmatives - he’d just done 'oh, yeah, of course' so in a few seconds it would be time for an 'I know, right?' - when Jez finally came back over with the drinks.

"Hey Mark, sorry about the wait, I was talking to these really cool people about this exclusive gig they did, you know me, I'm always networking!"

He laughed affectatiously as he handed Mark his drink, some ridiculously huge bright yellow monstrosity in a long island ice tea sized glass. Mark could only hope the alcohol contents were comparable. He sipped it while Jez situated himself back at his side; hey, not bad, he'd at least remembered about the pineapple.

"Jez this is Rich, Rich, Jez."

"Oh hi, you're Stacy's man right?"

Those two introduced and Mark’s work done, he settled back into the pleasant haze of letting Jez do all the talking, made a lot easier now with the addition of bubbly. He worried briefly if he was drinking a little too fast, then remembered Jez’s advice that he didn't have to worry about that stuff here when there were no lasting impressions to make, and decided to drink his drink as quickly as he damn well pleased.

 

* * *

 

 

The problem with drinking quickly was that one ran out of drink all the more soon. This of course leads to retrieving more drinks, which he did once Rich had moved on to the next conversation, and came back in time for Jez to be talking to yet another trendy person in a scarf. Two scarves this time!

When he joined the discussion she started asking questions about the two of them but this time, with one successful social interaction already under his belt, Mark didn't just let Jez take over.

"So how long have you two been together?"

Mark laughed. “Ha, that seems to be the first question people always ask us! Get a more original question, Jennifer!” He laughed some more to make sure she knew he was joking. “We met at uni, but we didn't actually get together get together until after we’d been roommates first."

Jez must've been really impressed at the initiative he was taking, his face was all bright and smiley. Mark and Jessica both stared at him until he realised they were waiting for him to talk.

"Oh, yeah, we started living together right after uni but it was, what, two years before we, you know…” He trailed off into a series of winks and odd head movements.

Jennifer, who at least seemed to be enjoying the haphazard conversation, had more questions.

"Who made the first move?"

"Me, obviously,” answered Jez, “I'm the artist out of the two of us, more of a free spirit you know. Mark, he has all these strong feelings, but he's more comfortable bottling them up than he is exploring them, especially something like this that was new to him at the time, you know."

"So you'd never been in a relationship with a guy before, Mark?"

"No, never- well. Nothing I'd call a relationship, anyway. I'd had… Feelings, before, but."

She seemed to get it.

"Right, right, that's more common than you think, you know, for men to rediscover their sexuality later in life."

"Hey, don't I know it!” Mark laughed again, a little more manic this time but still an impressively low amount of mania for someone trying desperately not to think about things too deeply.

"I just think its really romantic, two friends gradually discovering they had this other connection; there's something so beautiful about best friends that fall in love, you know what I mean?"

"Oh yeah, sure, I mean, even as a friendship we had our, uh, ups and downs."

"As do any couple,” Jez hastened to add.

"No, sure, I just meant I think it says a lot about the, uh, the strength of our, you know, our bond. Even as friends we would often fight and disagree and want to strangle each other” - Jez’s smile became briefly concerned at that - “but we never gave up on the friendship, and we never stopped…” Mark couldn't finish the sentence.

Jez had his back. “We never stopped loving each other.”

Jessica smiled at them both, her eyes squinting with delight. Mark smiled back, pleased with himself for nailing yet another interaction with a stranger. Two in one night! Watch out, society!

She excused herself to get another drink, which reminded Mark that he'd finished his second drink throughout the course of that whole q&a, so, ignoring Jez who looked like he maybe wanted to say something, Mark went off to fetch himself another.

 

* * *

 

 

The third drink went down even more agreeably than the second had - over a very pleasant conversation about the Ottoman empire with a woman who was writing a concept album about the rise and fall - and it wasn't long before he was off on a fourth adventure to the drinks table. Which made this an excellent time for a bit of payback.

"Hey, Jez, I’m gonna go refill, can I get you anything?"

"Oh sweet, thanks, do you know how to make a daiquiri?"

"No but I do have a phone with the amazing capability to connect to the internet so I'm sure I'll figure it out."

"Oh, good. Thanks!"

"Anything for you, dear."

And with that, before he could overthink it and decide it was too weird and back out, Mark kissed Jez on the mouth. He’d meant for it to be as sudden and quick as the one Jez planted on him earlier, but his brain stuttered just a little upon the actual moment of impact and as a result it ended up… lingering, just slightly.

As soon as he came to his senses he completed the maneuver and disappeared off to the drinks table, cursing himself for messing up what was meant to be a bit of simple tactile back and forth banter.

Until he looked back at the scene he'd left behind and realised Jez was only just now opening his eyes.

Well. Perhaps it was more effective than he'd first thought.

And didn’t that realisation just open the floodgates.

 

* * *

 

 

Mark took his time making the daiquiri, which he could theoretically do for as long as he wanted since Jez clearly had no idea how one was made, and mulled over the situation. It seemed that Jez was more affected by their charade than he'd let on, and since the whole reason Mark had been dragged along in the first place was to play along, anything he did could safely be excused away as ‘for the sake of the bit’. Which meant he had an incredible opportunity to get one over on Jez here, for once.

He poured himself a quick rum and coke to nurse as he contemplated what exactly he should do. The obvious best choice - he thought to himself as he put away half the glass in technically one sip - would be to really play up the couple thing, find more excuses for physical contact, maybe make up some stories to people that Jez would have no choice but to go along with, do some more kissing; these were all clearly brilliant ideas.

That decided, Mark threw some lime juice and whatever spirit he grabbed first into a glass with a handful of ice cubes, and strode confidently back over to his partner.

This time Mark initiated the arm-to-waist contact, sliding his hand stealthily around to rest on Jeremy’s hip. The man in question started slightly in surprise but made no other sign that he’d even noticed, focused entirely on whatever bullshit tall tale he was currently weaving to the small crowd of people gathered in a loose circle around him.

Well, that wouldn’t do, would it. Mark was in this for the win, after all, and getting no reaction was losing. He decided to start small, just rubbing gentle circles on Jez’s side. This was also met with a lack of response, so Mark used the prior movement to slip his fingers under Jez’s shirt and continue the rubbing directly on his skin.

Aha! Mark internally crowed his small victory as Jez flinched enough at the contact that he could feel it where their bodies were pressed together. He considered calling it there, quitting while he was ahead, but did it really count if he was the only one who’d noticed? Really, to be able to properly say he’d won, he needed to make Jez react verbally, or at least enough visually that other people would notice.

He pulled his hand back slightly, at which he felt Jez relax, but only far enough to start moving it up his back, still under the shirt. Jez had had some practice now, though, and, disappointingly, there was no reaction as Mark's hand moved up, so he started moving it down.

And down, and down, until he was playing with the hairs at the small of Jeremy’s back, touching the dip in his spine just above his tailbone.

This elicited a full-body shiver, an eye twitch, a haphazard excuse muttered to the group, and a hand around Mark’s wrist dragging him over to a secluded corner of the party. Well, secluded in that they were behind a medium sized fern in a pot plant.

"What is it, Jeremy? You know, that wasn't terribly polite to all those hangers-on you just ditched."

"Oh shut up Mark you know exactly what you were doing."

Jez glanced to the side for a second, eyes squinting, then looked back.

"What were you doing?"

Mark focused all of his remaining mental acuity on not smiling. “I haven't the foggiest idea what you're on about.”

"Yes you do! All the, the touching! And the, you know-” here Jez attempted a visual aid using his own hands, flailing them about in a way which Mark could only presume was meant to convey light groping. He adopted a dismissive air in response.

"I really don't know what you mean Jeremy, I'm only going along with your scheme."

"Oh its a scheme now is it? And what do you mean going along with it, none of that-” he made the gesture again, still no clearer “-was part of the scheme."

"I'm supposed to be your boyfriend, I'm just doing things a boyfriend would do."

Jez’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, OK, I see how it is. You're gonna play that card, huh, gonna play the 'going along with Jeremy's scheme but in a sort of monkey paw curse way where I actually use it as an excuse to mess with him' card, yeah?"

That didn't deserve a response so Mark did not deliver one.

"OK, sure, fine, play dumb. Two can play at that game.” He seemed to realise the implied self-burn of that statement and dragged Mark back into the throng of people before he could put it to voice.

 

* * *

 

 

The next hour or so of party was a little foggy in Mark’s memory, and only mostly because of all the alcohol. The pair of them flitted back and forth between groups of people, inserting themselves into already ongoing conversations and then proceeding to ignore said conversations and focus instead on tormenting each other.

The first wave sent by Admiral Jeremy consisted of running his hand up and down Mark’s arm sensually, which Mark both wasn’t phased by and also considered cheating since it was basically the same thing he’d done that started the war in the first place. Once Jeremy surmised as much he took things up a notch with some light neck stroking, which Generalissimo Mark had to concede was a pretty smart move. Now he could barely make eye contact with anyone and he had to hold his jaw tight to avoid shivering at the contact.

It was time for a retaliation.

As they split off from one group and merged themselves with the next it was Mark’s turn to up the ante, so he let his hand finish the course it had been taking earlier and slid it down to grab Jeremy’s arse. No, grab was too crude a word, caress? Ugh, no, too romantic. He put his hand on Jeremy’s bum and made a commitment to himself not to move it unless Jez himself moved away.

But since Jez was in this to win it just as much as he was, this was a futile play; it wasn’t until they joined a collection of party-goers, who were all seated in a circle of chairs and couches that had been dragged over for the occasion, that he had to move his hand, and then only because they had to sit down and he didn't want it to go dead.

The battlefield’s terrain having changed so drastically, Mark was forced to adapt, and adapt he did by pulling a classic yawn and stretch and resting his arm on the couch behind Jez’s head. Since he wanted to be original, unlike some hacks he could name, he forwent neck stroking in favour of full hair petting.

Now _this_ garnered the sort of reaction he’d been looking for all night. Jez didn’t flinch, or shudder, or even turn to look at him; he straight up groaned and leaned in to the touch.

It only lasted a second before Jez became aware of what he was doing and pulled away reflexively, cheeks going pink, but it couldn’t be mistaken. Mark met his glance with a grin, and after Jez leaned back into the couch he picked up right where he’d left off, meeting no resistance.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, both pretending to be interested in whatever discourse the people around them were having, but Mark could tell the wheels in Jez’s head were turning as he formulated his next move, and Mark was too busy watching Jez to get at all invested in a conversation about synthesisers or whatever the fuck they were going on about.

Mark was in the middle of his patented 'nod with intrigue at whoever happened to be talking' move when Jez took his revenge. Mark managed not to react outwardly when he felt a hand slide onto his thigh, but it was a near thing. Jeremy seemed to finally be taking this seriously, none of this timid, pussy-footing around anymore, no he was going straight for the kill with this one. Mark forced himself to breathe in long and slowly as Jez’s hand wandered further and further up his leg. Not wanting to give him the satisfaction of looking at him, Mark stared blindly forwards, hoping his eyes were directed vaguely towards the speaker but at this point he had no way of knowing if they were.

Then the wandering hand wandered somewhere it had never wandered before, and Mark had no choice but to face its owner. He whipped his head around to stare at Jeremy and discovered Jeremy’s face mere inches from his.

“Do you surrender yet?” Jez asked. He was so close the heat of his breath was making Mark’s upper lip sweat.

Mark swallowed, unable to stop his eyes from widening, and answered shakily, “surrender? No, no I don’t surrender.”

Jeremy’s face was getting bigger- oh, right, that was because he was moving even closer. It didn't occur to Mark to move back.

“Well, I don't surrender either.”

"No, I didn't think you would."

The way Jez’s eyes widened at that made Mark realise he’d just admitted to something, but now wasn’t the time for navel-gazing. He licked his lips.

"I believe that puts us at a stalemate, then,” said Mark.

"Yeah, I guess it does.” They still hadn’t broken eye contact.

"It seems there's only one course of action left, then.”

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

It felt like a first kiss, even though Mark knew it wasn’t, technically. But that had been years ago, and a way of proving to other people that he was too cool to be bothered by the idea, and this- Well, this was just for them. Even when the catalyst had been some stupid competition, but really, wasn’t that just them all over?

Now that Jez was finally on the right page - ignoring the fact that Mark himself hadn’t known what page they were on, or even what book, right up until the moment he did - he was not holding back. Mark could have been reflecting on the insight that knowing how Jeremy kissed gave him into basically every relationship he’d ever witnessed Jez in, but instead he just kissed him back.

God, it was just typical Jeremy to force Mark into his second gay awakening in a decade.

They eventually parted, since all good things must come to an end, and Jez blinked slowly at Mark, looking like he was realigning his world-view.

Mark had to kiss him again, so he did, just briefly, before pulling back and leaning into the couch again.

"See, I knew this was going to happen."

Jez gazed at him for a while before his eyes focused properly and started actually taking in new information.

"What? Us snogging?"

"Your stupid ploy bringing up all these repressed feelings. You know I was doing perfectly well believing I was straight until now."

Jez scoffed at that. “Oh please, this is barely even the gayest thing you've ever done.”

"It's pretty gay for me."

Jez sniffed. “Not for me. On the scale of gay things I've done this is barely a five."

"Well that doesn't really tell me anything without knowing the parameters of the scale."

"It's your basic one to ten scale, Mark, do I have to spell everything out?"

"So making out with me on a couch at some music student's uni after party only rates a five?"

"Well, yeah, I mean compared to the rest of my history. It's more gay than kissing a woman, but less gay than anal so, yeah, five."

"You've got such a way with words."

"I'm just giving you the facts, Mark, you're the one that brought it up."

"So in your world this isn't even a notable occurrence, then, is it?"

"I mean, if you boil it down to the basics, not really, no."

Mark picked some lint off his pant leg. “Well, that's good to know, I suppose."

Jez frowned a little. “You know, just cause it was only a five on the gay scale, that doesn't mean it wasn't higher up on the brilliant scale."

Mark’s head shot up, probably a little too eagerly but he didn't care about that right now. “Yeah?"

Jez’s eyes held his for a moment, then his gaze slid down Mark's face to rest on his lips. “Yeah it was like, and I don’t want to be too hyperbolic here, but it was at least a million on the brilliant scale."

Mark’s breathing definitely didn't speed up, nor did his heart rate increase. “Oh."

"Yeah. Can we do it some more?"

"You mean now? Or in the future?” It was always a good idea to clarify.

"A little from column A a little from column B?"

"That sounds like the most prudent course of action."

Jeremy smiled and leaned forwards.

"Oh god, you two aren’t gonna start making out again are you?"

Jez scowled at the interrupter, who merely raised their eyebrows at him until he moved away from Mark. The mood sufficiently dampened, Mark decided that the couch had served its purpose for now and got up. His fourth? fifth? drink had gone missing at some point before the couch, the exact details were as lost to him as the drink was, so he decided it was time for a quick pit stop at the bar before they left; no point turning down free alcohol for the ride home after all.

He was two fingers of something brown into mixing when he realized Jez had only half followed him and was standing awkwardly a few feet away, looking very untethered.

"Jez? What are you doing over there?"

The distance and Mark’s level of drunkenness meant this question was heard by several more people than the person it was aimed at, and Jez jumped in surprise. He made a little aborted wave at the onlookers and slid over to stand next to Mark.

"Nothing, I’m over here now."

Mark squinted at him, but he didn't really have a concrete theory on why Jez was being so weird so it was difficult to call him on it.

"Do you want another drink? I can make you a real daiquiri this time."

"Uh, yeah, sure. Wait, then what was in that other drink you made me?"

Mark flapped a hand at him. “Oh, who can be expected to remember something like that."

Mark of course still didn't know how to make a real one but he put more effort this time into looking like he knew what he was doing. Meaning he took a few random ingredients but this time put them in a cocktail shaker. He wasn't sure how long one was supposed to shake for, so he kept going while he turned back to address Jeremy.

"Have you called a cab?"

Jeremy frowned at him. “What? A cab? Why?"

Now it was Mark's turn to frown. “To drive us home? Unless you plan on stealing a vehicle or hitchhiking, in which case I'll have to meet you back there because one terrifying experience in a lifetime is enough for me, thanks." He emptied the contents of the shaker into two glasses.

"Yes thank you Mark, I understand the mechanics of transportation. Why are we going home?"

Mark evaluated the relative fullness of each glass and held the more conservative one out to Jeremy. "Well I thought we could finish what we started."

Jeremy's lack of understanding was almost palpable, until Mark jerked his eyebrows over at the couch and he finally caught on.

"Oh. _Oh!_ What are we still doing here then? Come on!"

And with that he grabbed Mark's arm, making him spill half their drinks on the carpet, and dragged him towards the door.

"Jeremy we can't just- and these aren't my glasses I can't just take them-"

"Fuck the glasses Mark! Why didn't you say you were ready to go? We could've been home by now!"

"Not counting travel time."

"God I love how pedantic you are. Have you called the taxi yet?"

"Obviously not, since I just asked you if you had."

"Time's a wastin’, Mark, time's a wastin’!"

Mark rolled his eyes but for once didn't worry about Jez ordering him around. He was actually kind of enjoying the idea of doing what Jeremy said, in this very specific context where sex was potentially just around the corner. And then maybe during the sex. It was weird, he'd never been into being bossed around during the act before. Although before he'd exclusively been with women, maybe that had something to do with it. Fuck, it was probably because he didn't respect them as much. Add that to the list of weird sexual hang ups. Did that make him sexist? Maybe Jeremy would punish him for that when they got home…

He made a mental note to never, ever, tell Jez he'd thought that.

Outside came with freezing British air, which did its part to sober Mark up a bit. Not that that changed anything; despite all logic, reason and experience indicating otherwise, he was going to engage in carnal activities with his unemployed housemate, this part wasn't up for debate. But his slightly improved mental capabilities did cause him to remember something.

"Wait, Jeremy, we need to go back."

Jez spun around, alarmed. “No we don't! We need to get home right now before you change your mind!"

"No it's nothing to do with that, I haven't changed anything."

Jez relaxed at that and continued down the long driveway.

"Oh, good. Really, though? You're taking this extremely in stride. Not that I'm complaining."

"Look, ask me again in the morning, but that's not what I'm talking about now."

Jez had adopted a bit of a leer at the mention of morning, but went back to his natural state of confusion easily enough.

"I don't know what else you could possibly care to talk about at a time like this but go on then, out with it."

"Well, I mean, the whole reason we came here? Remember?"

"Oh that? It's in the past, Mark, I've moved on to bigger and better things.” The leer was back, which Mark graciously ignored.

"But we didn't even seen your ex, surely since we came all the way over here we should at least get that all squared away?"

"Hmm, no, no I don't think we need to do that, actually."

"Come on, Jez, you know I don't like leaving a job half finished."

"Oh that's OK, I do, it's not a problem, I've done it loads of times, it's easy."

Mark stopped walking. Jez got a fair distance ahead before he noticed, spinning around a few times before finding Mark again and staring at him.

"What now?"

"What are you not telling me."

"I have no idea why you'd ask me that."

"I'm going to stand right here until you tell me."

"Fine, that's fine by me, stand away. I'll stand with you."

"And I won't have sex with you."

"But _Mark!_ That's not _fair!"_

"It's perfectly fair. How can you expect me to be intimate with someone who lies to me?"

"Oh that's rich. You've lied to every girlfriend you've ever had!"

"We're not talking about me lying to them!” Another point in the 'doesn't respect women' column, but that was a problem for later.

"Please, Jeremy, just tell me whatever the fuck it is. It can't possibly be worse than the presumably hundreds of other lies you've told me."

"No no no, it's not at all like that."

"Aha! So you admit that you are hiding something!"

"Shit."

"Can't keep anything from the Corrigan."

"Do _not_ refer to yourself in third person for the love of god."

"Come on then, out with it."

"OK fine, but can we keep walking, please? No reason we can't get this out of the way and get home at the same time."

"Fine, fine."

Mark caught up to him and they continued on towards the road.

"So what are you doing on the weekend?"

"Jeremy!"

"Yeah, alright, fair play. So look."

He fixed Mark's gaze with a surprising severity.

"Do you remember how you asked me to take care of some very important tasks around the flat?"

"Is there an instance in particular you're thinking of? Because I've been asking you to do things around the flat ever since you moved in."

Jez continued on like he hadn't heard the question.

"Well, and I'm sorry to sour the mood with this Mark, I didn't want to have to break it to you like this but you've forced my hand, so I have to let you know that I forgot to put the washing on."

Mark groaned. “Jeremy it's a simple task, all you had to do was chuck it all in and push the button-"

“And Meredith never showed up to the party.”

"-and it takes care of the rest, I always leave the correct settings on so you didn't even need to- wait, what?"

"Look I'm sorry Mark, I'm not good with machines, you know this."

Mark stopped walking again, prompting a frustrated groan from Jez.

"Never mind that, what do you mean Meredith never showed?"

"There's not really much more to it is there? She didn't come. Maybe she's sick, maybe someone finally did the right thing and murdered her, who can say?"

"This is the thing you desperately wanted to keep from me? Why?"

"Well it's not so much _that_ I knew, it's _when_ I knew."

"When did you know?"

"Uh, Damien told me."

"I don't know who that is- wait, one of those goths you were with?"

Jez rolled his eyes at Mark's antiquity.

"Yeah."

"You talked to him while you were getting drinks?"

"Yeah."

"A full six minutes after we arrived here?"

Jez mmhmm'ed.

"So you've basically known all night."

Jez didn't meet his eyes.

"And you still made me go along with this whole ridiculous charade anyway?"

Jez kept examining his shoes, shrugging.

Mark stared into the middle distance for a few seconds.

"I should be really mad at you."

"Yeah, I know. Why I didn't want to say anything."

"I should be fucking livid."

Jez nodded sadly at the ground. Mark took a step closer.

"In fact…"

Mark took a steadying breath as quietly as he could and grabbed a handful of Jez's shirt.

"I guess this means I'll have to punish you."

Now Jez was looking at him.

"It's not quite the scenario I was picturing, the opposite really, but needs must."

Jez furrowed his brow.

"Picturing-?"

That was quite enough talking by Mark's account, so the only thing thing to do was to kiss the bastard to shut him up.  No complaints from Jez, marking this as a strategy with stellar results that would need to be implemented as often as possible in future.

Jez pulled back.

"Wait, so you're not mad at me?"

Mark rolled his eyes.

"No, I'm not mad at you. But I will be if you don't stop fucking around and get us home a soon as possible."

Jez's grin lit up his face. "You don't have to ask me twice!"

"This is in fact the second time I've asked you."

And after all that Mark still ended up having to call the cab himself.

You know. Eventually.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Man these characters are such a blast to play around with, especially Mark who I was ashamed to realise I relate to quite a lot ahaha. I haven't had this much fun writing in ages! Hope you enjoyed it too :)


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